It's been a little over 3 months since my dear father passed away, and the pain over losing him has intensified over time. I'm not certain if I was in shock for a period after his death...it was so sudden, but I can say with certainty that not a day goes by that I don't miss him terribly.
My family has some difficult decisions to make regarding his estate and we will be gathering during the Easter weekend to discuss some of these decisions, one of which is what to do with the house we grew up in. While I love the house, it's the home I truly loved. It's what my father created and how he was the anchor and now the anchor is not on this earth and we are just floundering around trying to make sense of how we feel in the aftermath of his loss. I can only speculate how my other siblings feel based on what I feel, but it is incredible grief that comes in gut wrenching waves, when it repeatedly dawns on me that he's not here and won't be coming back. I'm pretty certain my siblings are going through similar experiences and I am so sad for all of us.
As part of the decision making process, my sister Katherine, who is the Executor of the Estate, ran through some of the numbers with each one of us individually so that we could come to the table somewhat prepared. With me, she went over all the accounting on the phone, while I reviewed a spreadsheet that she meticulously prepared. What she might not have realized was that I was crying while we were reviewing the numbers....I was looking at these numbers and thinking that this is not my Dad, this is not what he was all about. He was an incredible father, human being, with human flaws -very few and he wore them humbly. There is nothing he would not do for his children, nothing. If I asked him for his arm, he would have replied, "how much do you need darlin?" I'm sure if you asked any of my siblings they would agree.
We are our father's legacy. Everything he believed and what his life exemplified, is in us all. It was always Dad holding us all together and now it needs to be each of us holding each other up and trying to do right. This is what he would have wanted us to do. We as a family have a very important decision to make that transcends numbers and property, it is, what I believe,our father's last wish. That as a a family, if one of us is in trouble we ask in one voice, together "how much do you need darlin?" When all is said and done and the numbers are gone, the property divided we only have left the decisions we made and our own personal knowledge as to whether or not the decision was the right one.
I believe my father is here with me and with my brother and sisters...I feel him all around me and my hope is that someday, I can be a quarter of the person he was, a little more selfless, humble, decent, and to be the parent to my children the way he was a parent to each one of us up to the very end of his spectacular life.
Thank you Dad for everything you have given me and continue to give me. You will live on in each one of us and your messages will continually surface throughout my life to my very last breath. I hope I make you proud and smile in heaven and say in your soothing voice that has calmed me too many times to mention during my life, "that-a-girl Mary".
I love you Pop.
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