My Fathers Daughter

I was driving home from work today thinking about what a crazy couple of weeks I had and thinking to myself that I have to call my Dad and fill him in on all the things that have been going on.

I would tell him that Gabby is healing fine from her gallbladder surgery and we can just put that behind us, but she missed so much school and there is a lot of school work to catch up on. We were in touch with the guidance counselor and she has been a huge help in rallying the teachers so Gabby doesn't get to anxious about how behind she is. I would tell him that me and Matt were doing everything we could to get her caught up.

I would see how he is doing with all this snow and I'd ask him what he's reading. I love to hear him talk about the books he's reading because it makes me want to run out and get a copy of the book. Or he might tell me what he's been up to, going out with his lady friend, projects around the house - we might even touch on some of the latest political news which always makes for interesting conversation.

I thought, I have to tell him what happened to my Dad and how my whole world just crumbled and everything else that was going on just didn't matter. My dear father passed away and I am walking around lost and I'm not sure what to do. I want to scream so he can hear me. Scream and cry until I'm so tired I just sleep and forget it all and then when I wake up it's all just a horrible dream. I can't tell him this, because it is him that has left this world and left a void that I wonder if it can ever be filled and will I ever feel normal? I'm driving home and when it dawns on me I can't call him and I'll never be able to call him again. I can't catch my breath because the loss is overwhelming and I'm scared and I'm so incredibly sad. I'm a grown woman with my own family and I just want my Dad... It was so nice to talk to him every weekend and I look forward to our phone calls. It was never considered an obligation....it was a pleasure and I looked forward to our conversations. I always hung up feeling loved no matter what and I left with some bit of knowledge that he gave me.

As time goes by I believe I will be ok. All of us will be alright because my father lives in us all. I might not be able to talk to him on the phone but I will be talking to him all the time. I will constantly ask him what he would do to be sure I am doing the right thing.

I remember one day a long time ago, sitting on his bed having one of our chats and I asked him about his father. "Hey Pop, what was your Dad like?" He looked down in a very thoughtful way and when he looked up his eyes were watery and he shook his head and said, " He was a great man. A great man.." I think I now know how he felt at that moment...to think the world of someone and to lose them.....

Someday if my kids ask me what Pop Pop was like I know I will tell them the same thing. "He was a great man, a great man".